BP to use Wembley Stadium turf to plug leaking oil well

South American mud farmers breathed a sigh of relief today as fears their valuable mud stocks would be requisitioned by oil giant BP for its latest attempt to plug the leaking Deepwater Horizon oil well in the Gulf of Mexico, were proved to be unfounded.

Fears of a peasant revolt that would destabilise the entire continent were averted as it emerged that new British Prime Minister David Cameron has offered President Obama free supplies of turf from Wembley Stadium's playing surface.

Widely regarded as 'good for fuck all else,' the pitch surface, which arrives at the stadium as a green, grassy substance and turns into brown shit-like sludge within minutes of being laid, will be flown to the Gulf - at no expense to the taxpayer - in the luggage hold of the Mexican football team plane.

In a statement issued early this morning, the Prime Minister said, "This is an excellent opportunity for English football to save the planet from environmental catastrophe. Hurrah!"

Wembley mud, he said, will finally find its place in history books, as fears that the oil spill would make landfall and "merge" with similar fatty fluids from millions of obese Americans and turn the planet into one giant frying pan that no amount of omelettes could fill threatened to cause the biggest Wall Street crash since last year's banking scam.

Questions were soon raised, however, as to whether Mr Cameron was referring to previous government Chancellor Alastair Darling when he claimed hopes that "pumping the liquified sod into a hole in the ground" would "finally plug a hole in the world's monetary deficit."

As for the fate of the Wembley quagmire itself, reaction has been mixed. Wembley ground staff, understandably emotional after months of overtime and recurring nightmares, were confused. Some claimed to have an emotional attachment, claiming the mud was their only hope of averting a replay of the Tartan Army's 1977 desecration of the hallowed turf.

Assistant Sod Fucker-Upperer, Nigel Diamond Geezer said, "Them Jocks think they're clever ripping lumps out of the heart of English football, but I'd like to see them try the same with this stuff. It'd be like eating soup with a fork."

But Dave (who didn't wish to be named), a labourer charged with the thankless task of painting the mud green again for the next match, was relieved. "I'm just happy the big, horrible brown thing will go away."

Answering accusations he knows nothing of English football's unique traditions which proudly include goalmouth mud-wrestling as one of its finest attributes, Mr Cameron retorted that he was well-accustomed with footballing culture as he had once explained the offside rule in a game of Charades with Chancellor George Osbourne.

Meanhwile, south American mud farmers are holding their breath - as are the Mexican divers employed by BP to carry the mud to the ocean floor in home-made tortilla wraps. The chances of success for the 'mud-pumping-thingy-method-plan-thing' remain as clear as mud.