'9 out of 10 riot cats jailed in a previous life' - Justice Secretary

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke announced on Tuesday that as much as nine out of ten cats in England's riot-torn neighborhoods were found to have been imprisoned in one or more of their previous lives.

The shocking figures were revealed following close examination of court records from recent cases involving hundreds of cats arrested for looting tins of cat food at the height of the riots last August.

Damning indictment

Speaking at a hastily convened press conference in the Commons bar, Mr Clarke declared the revelation a "damning indictment of the British penal system," and called for changes that would ensure the full rehabilitation of cats before their release back into society. "Making them work harder while in prison would be a start. They could repair some of the millions of cushions cats are renowned for vandalising, and there are always vermin to be caught. Maybe a diploma in advanced purring techniques could be introduced, or even intensive technical drawing modules for the most intellectually capable. Other more socially useful courses could also be offered, such as food hygiene or possibly some that offer academic qualifications such as GCSE in Chinese. And perhaps neutering - or even killing - the hardcore of persistent offenders."

Suspicious

Referring to the "increasing administrative problems" of accounting for the number of lives cats enjoy, the Secretary added, "It's all too convenient - and dare I say suspicious - for these individuals to have nine lives. I believe the time has come to look at the possibility of limiting this life count. There can be no legitimate reason or innocent motive for possessing nine lives in this day and age. Maybe we could look at ways of shooting them all eight times before sending them to a Ninth Life Knitting Sanctuary in Cardigan, Wales, for rehabilitation. If they object, what have they got to hide?"

Horror

Cat welfare groups have reacted with horror. Appalled Angela Ruffy of the Twinkles Foundation has called on the Secretary to apologize immediately for "sweeping generalizations" and "inflammatory language" that could lead to an upsurge in hate crimes directed at an already disenfranchised cat population.

"It is no coincidence that the cats arrested for looting or throwing bricks at police come from deprived communities where poor access to education, career opportunities and public parks with enough mice and small birds has left a forgotten generation living on the edge, having no sense of belonging to society - or indeed to any household in particular. When I speak to cats on street level it becomes obvious that decades of social decline and neglect have produced feral kittens with no hope for the future, who are persecuted by heavy handed dog wardens who routinely disproportionately stop and sniff - and in some cases, beat up, or even eat - cats. You try being a cat walking the streets at night when that van pulls up alongside you. I know, I've done it. What they did to me was unspeakable."

Viciousness

Residents of affected communities don't agree, however. Tottenham councillor and restaurateur, Enoch Starkey Griffin insists cats have been a growing "malevolent threat" to British values in recent years. "They come over here with their 'catois' and 'bling,' their 'gang slang' and 'hip-hop thang,' spreading a culture of violence, viciousness and homoerotic boybandism among our children."

Stevo, 16, from Manchester, where the Arndale Centre was ransacked and thousands of pounds worth of cat food looted, said the furry 'homies' were giving the younger generation a bad name. "We all get called cats now innit. But we ain't cats, know what I's sayin bro."

Outrage

Feelings were also running high in Birmingham, where residents agreed with Mr Clarke's proposals. Outraged war veteran Harold Brown felt cats had an advantage over local people in fields such as public housing and benefits. "They've got nine lives, so they get nine houses each, depriving nine English families a home. It's got to stop."

His views were echoed by an elderly resident of a Peckham estate who did not wish to be named for fear of reprisals. "I ain't prejudiced. But they're all bums. Bogus asylum seekers hangin around street corners. We're scared to go out at night - women especially, what with the cats wiping their sex glands all over their legs and that."

Fur Balls

Accounts of alleged cat illegality and organised crime are common. Enthusiastically puffing on a Woodbine while clinging menacingly to a plastic Poundsaver bag stuffed full of pebbles, a grey-haired old woman ranted, "Send 'em all to Australia, I say. Or kill 'em. But nine times not eight. Bleedin hoodies, sellin fur balls to kids outside schools and getting millions in benefits. We pay for their houses, with brand new top-of-the-range litter trays - then they insist on getting a cat flap fitted so they can fuck off and shit all over next door's garden. Cunts."

Education, education, er...

Speaking from a cupboard in his office, London Mayor Boris Johnson fell short of supporting the Justice Secretary's proposals for curtailing the number of lives cats enjoy, but did support his call for better education. "Cats do have a role to play in society - all they need is an opportunity. Cats are historically quite adept at hunting small mammals, and they make jolly good children's entertainers too. I once watched one attacking a piece of string - the hearty little thing was at it for hours. It was hysterical. They're also jolly good plumbers."

While Mr Johnson's words were welcomed by Angelina Ruffy and the Twinkles Foundation, they did not go down well with those directly affected by the criminal cat gangs' activities.

"Oh, all they need is an opportunity, alright!" scoffed Roger Smith, 67, of Hackney. "I had a couple of cats tarmac my drive once, but as soon as I had my back turned, they drove off with it."

Snowdon 4 x 4 Man to be Burnt as a Witch

The man who left his Fronterra 4 x 4 near the summit of Snowdon is to be burnt at the stake as a witch, local elders have announced.

Prankster Craig Williams, 39, from Gloucestershire is to be burnt alive at dawn tomorrow, having been convicted of using "sorcery and magicke" to get his off-roader more than 3,000 feet up the highest peak in Englandandwales.

"There is no other explanation for it," quoth Geraint Cadwaladr, local councillor and chapel deacon of 60 years. "He's obviously in connivance with Satan. How else could he have got the car up there? He claims to have driven it, but that's just ridiculous."

Retired cakemaker and respected village elder Gwendolyn Roberts added, "Levitation is banned as a form of the Dark Arts. Such things may be acceptable in parts of England, but this is Wales, a hobbit-free country of sound Christian values. Enemies of God are not welcome, nor the practice of witchery and sorcecraft, for which we have severe penalties."

The story of Craig Williams' prank broke yesterday and has astounded many locals, some of whom are not even Christians. Many have also questioned how a wizard was allowed to arrive in their midst unchallenged and without stringent security counter-measures being deployed.

Chip shop proprietor Justin Batter pointed an outraged finger at complacency among the Elders themselves. "They're too busy being sanctimonious and self-righteous, too concerned with appearance and image. Meanwhile, the community is left undefended, at the mercy of the Forces of Evil. What if this demon had other things on its mind? A creature of this sort could easily have possessed a teenage girl, or even destroyed the whole village just for the hell of it. These things happen. We know. We remember Tryweryn, where a whole community was wiped off the face of the earth by the Beatles."

But Geraint Cadwaladr refutes the allegation, citing the probable use of a cloaking device as the "sorcerer's" possible mode of entry. "I have heard such things exist and are even openly sold at carboot sales and markets in lands beyond the mountains. A cloaking device would certainly avoid capture on CCTV. It would also hide the electro-magnetic signature of the sorcerer, thus rendering our state-of-the-art Electromagnetic Signature Recognition System useless. It's largely down to funding. Lottery money has dried up. I blame the Olympics."

News of the sentence has raised more than a couple of eyebrows among liberal minded circles in mainland Englandandwales. But locals agree that the punishment is justified. "Sorcery is the biggest threat to humanity as we know it," Gwen Roberts mused. "Those riots in England - were they the acts of decent God-fearing, chapel folk? No, they were the frenzied acts of those who were weak enough to succumb to a talking goat's sexual advances and copulated with it."

But not all people accept village elders' view that witchcraft was involved in Mr Williams' '50 Things to Do Before I Die' prank. Some argue it was all a publicity stunt arranged by Fronterra manufacturers, Vauxhall. Others, like local shepherd Jacob Jones, believe the jeep is an inflateable replica. "Either that or a hovercraft."

Rumours also abound of extra-terrestial involvement. A local window cleaner and amateur astronomer, who did not want to be named, informed us that strange lights had been seen in the sky for three consecutive nights prior to the Fronterra being found abandonded at Bwlch Glas, 400 meters from the mountain's summit.

"When you think about it, all that stuff about wizards and witchcraft is just a little bit too far-fetched. Every one knows alien life forms have been visiting Earth for centuries. A twenty second operation with a tractor beam could easily transport a six thousand tonne ship up Snowdon, let alone a 4 x 4. There's also the possibility of teleporting it - which makes me suspect the vehicle itself may not be of this planet, but was brought here by the same beings who kidnapped me in 1976 and beamed down to the mountainside. Mr Williams may not be a wizard at all, but a being from the outer reaches of the Andromeda system."

North Wales Police have refused to comment on the matter but have issued a warning to any wizard or witch that may consider a copycat prank that the full force of Good will be deployed against them. Asked about the severity of the sentence and the speed at which it was handed down, the spokesman referred all matters of administrative justice to the religious authorities in Nant Peris.

There was no one in the office when we called, but in a press release delivered by a hooded horserider the Llanberis Pass Administrative Justice's Witchfinding Department confirmed that, "The sorcerer and servant of Lucifer, Craig Williams, was handed a fixed penalty notice of £60 for parking illegally, then detained and found to be a witch, before being taken to a place from where he would be taken to a place where he would await being taken to another place, from which he would await being taken to yet another place, where he would be tied to a stake, consumed by fire and his soul cleansed of all evil."

It is not clear if Mr Williams can appeal, though it is claimed on his behalf that he is not a wizard or a witch at all, but just a bloke who had a list of 50 things to do before he died, and that driving up Snowdon was the first on that list. It appears that, failing a reprieve, the other 49 will remain unachieved.