The shocking figures were revealed following close examination of court records from recent cases involving hundreds of cats arrested for looting tins of cat food at the height of the riots last August.
Damning indictment
Speaking at a hastily convened press conference in the Commons bar, Mr Clarke declared the revelation a "damning indictment of the British penal system," and called for changes that would ensure the full rehabilitation of cats before their release back into society. "Making them work harder while in prison would be a start. They could repair some of the millions of cushions cats are renowned for vandalising, and there are always vermin to be caught. Maybe a diploma in advanced purring techniques could be introduced, or even intensive technical drawing modules for the most intellectually capable. Other more socially useful courses could also be offered, such as food hygiene or possibly some that offer academic qualifications such as GCSE in Chinese. And perhaps neutering - or even killing - the hardcore of persistent offenders."
Suspicious
Referring to the "increasing administrative problems" of accounting for the number of lives cats enjoy, the Secretary added, "It's all too convenient - and dare I say suspicious - for these individuals to have nine lives. I believe the time has come to look at the possibility of limiting this life count. There can be no legitimate reason or innocent motive for possessing nine lives in this day and age. Maybe we could look at ways of shooting them all eight times before sending them to a Ninth Life Knitting Sanctuary in Cardigan, Wales, for rehabilitation. If they object, what have they got to hide?"
Horror
Cat welfare groups have reacted with horror. Appalled Angela Ruffy of the Twinkles Foundation has called on the Secretary to apologize immediately for "sweeping generalizations" and "inflammatory language" that could lead to an upsurge in hate crimes directed at an already disenfranchised cat population.
"It is no coincidence that the cats arrested for looting or throwing bricks at police come from deprived communities where poor access to education, career opportunities and public parks with enough mice and small birds has left a forgotten generation living on the edge, having no sense of belonging to society - or indeed to any household in particular. When I speak to cats on street level it becomes obvious that decades of social decline and neglect have produced feral kittens with no hope for the future, who are persecuted by heavy handed dog wardens who routinely disproportionately stop and sniff - and in some cases, beat up, or even eat - cats. You try being a cat walking the streets at night when that van pulls up alongside you. I know, I've done it. What they did to me was unspeakable."
Viciousness
Residents of affected communities don't agree, however. Tottenham councillor and restaurateur, Enoch Starkey Griffin insists cats have been a growing "malevolent threat" to British values in recent years. "They come over here with their 'catois' and 'bling,' their 'gang slang' and 'hip-hop thang,' spreading a culture of violence, viciousness and homoerotic boybandism among our children."
Stevo, 16, from Manchester, where the Arndale Centre was ransacked and thousands of pounds worth of cat food looted, said the furry 'homies' were giving the younger generation a bad name. "We all get called cats now innit. But we ain't cats, know what I's sayin bro."
Outrage
Feelings were also running high in Birmingham, where residents agreed with Mr Clarke's proposals. Outraged war veteran Harold Brown felt cats had an advantage over local people in fields such as public housing and benefits. "They've got nine lives, so they get nine houses each, depriving nine English families a home. It's got to stop."
His views were echoed by an elderly resident of a Peckham estate who did not wish to be named for fear of reprisals. "I ain't prejudiced. But they're all bums. Bogus asylum seekers hangin around street corners. We're scared to go out at night - women especially, what with the cats wiping their sex glands all over their legs and that."
Fur Balls
Accounts of alleged cat illegality and organised crime are common. Enthusiastically puffing on a Woodbine while clinging menacingly to a plastic Poundsaver bag stuffed full of pebbles, a grey-haired old woman ranted, "Send 'em all to Australia, I say. Or kill 'em. But nine times not eight. Bleedin hoodies, sellin fur balls to kids outside schools and getting millions in benefits. We pay for their houses, with brand new top-of-the-range litter trays - then they insist on getting a cat flap fitted so they can fuck off and shit all over next door's garden. Cunts."
Education, education, er...
Speaking from a cupboard in his office, London Mayor Boris Johnson fell short of supporting the Justice Secretary's proposals for curtailing the number of lives cats enjoy, but did support his call for better education. "Cats do have a role to play in society - all they need is an opportunity. Cats are historically quite adept at hunting small mammals, and they make jolly good children's entertainers too. I once watched one attacking a piece of string - the hearty little thing was at it for hours. It was hysterical. They're also jolly good plumbers."
While Mr Johnson's words were welcomed by Angelina Ruffy and the Twinkles Foundation, they did not go down well with those directly affected by the criminal cat gangs' activities.
"Oh, all they need is an opportunity, alright!" scoffed Roger Smith, 67, of Hackney. "I had a couple of cats tarmac my drive once, but as soon as I had my back turned, they drove off with it."
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