Party Leaders Agree to Public Custard Wrestle

Gordon Brown has finally accepted the homoerotic and slightly creepy challenge thrown down by Eton-educated Conservative leader David Cameron, meaning the long awaited live custard wrestling contest between the two leaders will at last go ahead.

Excitement spread through Westminster as the news circulated that the participants will fight naked apart from their socks - a tradition, the Stick understands, that is rooted in the Duke of Wellington's defiant "we'll knock your bloody socks off" war-cry before the battle of Waterloo.

And in a further development, it emerged that the Lib-Dem leader, Erm Clegg, who's always hanging around trying to be one of the boys, will also join them - even though he wasn't invited - meaning that the public have a three-way slimy mangrope to look forward to (a sort of '50% extra free' deal), as opposed to standard two-way twat-making.

It is unclear as to where excactly the bout will take place, although Government sources have dismissed reports that it will be staged at Lord Mandelson's country estate as "mischevious".

But it has been confirmed that, in an attempt to further popularize the event and to give the combatants the 'common touch', the wrestle will be preceded by a live Expletive Exchange, in which the three cunts will insult each other using every day 'fucker on the street' language and terms the general public normally use when refering to them.

This exchange will be engaged while strutting their stuff on the podium before diving headlong into an inflatable paddling pool filled to the brim with 1,000 gallons of Bird's Custard. And, in a further twist, a freshly introduced rule states that at least 50% of the exchange must be performed through the medium of rapping.

Judges with stopwatches will monitor the exchange, counting swearwords and original put-downs while ensuring the minimum requirement of rap usage is observed.

The referee for the wrestling match has been named as BBC election result forecaster extraordinaire - manic graphic maverick Peter Snow - who could hardly conceal his excitement at his nomination as he threw a whole bag of Mexican mushrooms down his neck and ran out to sacrifice a chicken on his front lawn.

As news of the Prime Minister's decision broke, Mr Cameron responded by saying it was about time "that bounder and cad Brown faced up to a bloody good thrashing."

"I've waited for this moment for a very long time. I shall show him what a Conservative Party Leader can do. He may be big, but I have studied him, and he is what one calls 'all mouth'. I shall fill that mouth with a bunch of fives. A bloody good 'rogering' is well overdue."

When pressed that his inexperience in 'fuckery and cuntery' would be a handicap in the expletive round, Mr Cameron frowned. "Look, just because one is middle class, it does not mean one is incapable of having the common touch needed to communicate with rough, foul-mouthed working class types."

Adopting a strange and unconvincing Cockney accent littered with posh slips, Mr Cameron insisted he could "jolly well swear with the best of 'em, guvnor. I ain't no ponce, dear boy. That Gordon Brahn, e's fackin fackd. Cahnt."

Though he wasn't asked for it, Lib-Dem leader, Erm* Clegg, gave his reaction. But we can't really remember what it was because we didn't listen.

(*our researchers swear that's his real name, but this could not be verified)