Titfucking Reduces Risk of Breast Cancer - Report

A regular titwank significantly reduces the risk of breast cancer in women. That's the remarkable conclusion of a survey conducted over five years by a team of scientists at the University of Hobotown, Louisiana.

The wide-ranging survey found that 91% of women who suffered breast cancer had never, or very rarely, indulged in the sexual practice of having their partners ejaculate over their breasts during "consenting sexual encounters".

Of the 1,000 women studied, 100% of those who did enjoy regular 'breast intercourse' did not go on to develop the disease.

"As yet we don't know what excactly is at play here," said Dr Zachary Debaucherie, who led the team of boffins. "But there is no doubt that something is."

"'Breast intercourse', commonly known as a titwank, is a form of deriving sexual pleasure between two consenting adults by having the male partner manipulate the breasts into a position whereby the penis can be 'inserted' between them, allowing the act of intercourse with the busom and facilitating ejaculation over them."

"It may be that semen contains an as yet unknown chemical which, when massaged into the breasts - particularly around the area of the nipples - restricts the conditions necessary for cancer cells to develop."

Questioned why the report's findings were so conclusive Dr Debaucherie admitted his own surprise, but stated categorically that the findings, based on five years "intensive" research and intricate studies, were sound.

"A result of 100% is, of course, quite astounding. But there is no question, the findings conclusively and categorically show that a good titfuck - say, four or five times a week - does indeed considerably reduce the risk of cancer, therefore prolonging a woman's life expectancy considerably."

Women's groups have been vocal in their doubts of the veracity of the report, citing irregularities in both the approach taken by the research team and the fact that the team itself consisted solely of male scientists.

There have been accusations of malpractice and claims that at least five of the six man team had no scientific qualifications whatsoever, but were in fact a taxi driver, a circus escapologist, a park warden and two IT students from Nebraska.

The lack of scrutiny by regulatory bodies is a major concern. Some have gone as far as to publicly describe the survey as "gratuitous in the extreme" and of falsifying results with the intention of duping women into consenting to their partner's perverted sexual demands - a concern reinforced by triumphalist messages such as "titwank me bitch" and "ice those buns baby" left by mysogonists on blogs and message-boards all over the internet.

"Ads have appeared for 'free sunblock lotion' in telephone booths on beaches up and down the country," said Raquel 'Dave' McFarlane of women's rights group Suspicion is Wisdom.

"Sadly it is a typical reaction," said Dr Debaucherie. "Accusations of demeaning women are innacurate. My advice to them is to try it. They never know, they may like it."