Bloggers Told They're Not That Clever After All

The political blogosphere, for years considered a bastion of free speech and independent critique, was rocked today with the publication of a report that concludes that political bloggers are not that clever after all.

The damning report cites delusion, overinflated egos and a gargantuan sense of self-importance as the motivating factor behind the self-hype that facillitated the common impression that political bloggers actually knew what they were talking about.

"The opposite is quite true," said Margaret Tourniquet, Chairwoman of the panel responsible for compiling the report. "In fact, it struck us almost immediately upon reading the blog archives that over half of these weirdos were actually writing about biscuits."

"It did take us by surprise, yes," she continued, "because we all thought - as most people did - that the political blogs was where the meat was, the juicy stuff, you know, and the...erm... truth, insight and intrigue... that these cyber revolutionaries had their fingers on the pulse. But in fact, our findings show they are just pale, clammy geeks living in musty smelling bedrooms, fantasizing and writing gibberish about the virtues of Custard Creams and Penguins."

The news came as a shock to esteemed bloggers such as Sebastian Fromage (not his real name), author of renowned political analysis blog 'Jab's Eye', who had been hailed as a cyber-rottweiler and marinader of mandarins to rival Guido Fawkes' inflammable incisions. Writing on his new blog 'A Superior Insight', the smug, sanctimonious tosser claims the report is flawed and written by the 'many enemies' he has made since he started 'causing a stir' in the corridors of power with his now infamous pie-charts of MPs' dirty jokes count in the Commons Bar.

In a particularly bitchy piece he protests, "If not written by my Ministerial opponents themselves, then they managed to get to the report authors, who then wrote it under duress, the influence of hallucinogenic drugs, and the threat of buggery."

He then goes on to blame old adversary, Blofeld (of 'Spectrum' and, previously, 'GoldenEye' and 'From Preston With Love' fame), for a long and bitter hate campaign that involved smears, defamation, libelous accusations and trolling (geek-speak for the anal fingering of toy trolls in public places and posting pictures of the act on blog comment forms). Defending himself from attack in this blog war, claims Fromage, distracted him enough to cause him missing the last General Election completely. "It was politically motivated and savagely excecuted. His intention was clear, and his motives crystal. It was cold-blooded, deliberate, calculated sabotage, nothing less."

We emailed Fromage for further reaction. Asked whether he concurred with other findings in the report, such as that political bloggers are smug, sad, self-important, self-sexing, self-hyping, partisan, biggoted, blinkered know-alls who actually couldn't tell the difference between Barack Obama and Denzel Washington, Fromage accused us of being attention seeking fans and/or Blofeld's stooges, threatened to "cut us to pieces in his next blog piece", and put our address in the spam folder.

He did email us back in a few minutes to inform us he'd be publishing a prepared statement on his Facebook fan page, before offering to send us a couple of signed bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale. We declined, made our excuses and, erm, logged off.