Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced this morning that due to the deepening economic apocalypse 'not caused by him' Christmas will be cancelled. In a statement guaranteed to shock millions of families, the Prime Minister revealed Civil Servants had been instructed to find ways of saving public money wasted on having fun. He went on to say that local councils would have to "look to their conscience and realise the devastating harm to society frivolous expenditure on Christmas lights, extra rubbish collections, office orgies and staff binge-drinking parties was causing."
Tough choices for tough times
"We live in changing, uncertain times. People need to realise they need to make hard choices. Sacrifice is a virtue. Jesus didn't save the world by getting pissed and buying crackers. His wasn't a message of gift-giving and boob-photocopying. His was a message of stoney-faced Presbytarianism, self-flagellation and carol-singing. I call on the nation to put aside it's promiscuous dance with the dark side and do as Our Lord would wish."
Devil worship
In harsh, sinister and garbled Scottish Presbyterian rhetoric the Prime Minister compared frenzied Christmas libidiousness to a 'mass Satanic mass', adding, "Generousity becomes vulgar and perverse when councils spend God-fearing taxpayer's money on ungodly activities such as facillitating fun. Promoting a feel good factor at times of national crises is irresponsible in the extreme, particularly at a time when the public needs to be prudent in anticipation of possible unavoidable tax rises in the autumn mini-budget. That is not to say there are perfectly good and reasonable traditional Christmas celebrations families could practice in the privacy of their own homes, like the wearing of sackloth and attending church, shooting grouse and beating wrens with sticks and, of course, eating tangerines, that should still be permissable to society - though, even tangerines do come at a price. But as far as fun is concerned, it's outrageous and morally corrupt. These are hard times. There are bankers suffering as we speak."
Measures
Under strict new measures rushed in this autumn, shops will be banned from selling gifts, tinsel and Christmas pudding, turkey farmers and bauble manufacturers will be interned, and councils would be given extra powers to demolish illegal Santa's Grottos and remove decorations from shopping centres. Though, in a late concession to Lord Mandelson councils will be allowed to put up fairy lights, albeit without switching them on.
Arrests
In a move branded 'draconian' by opposition parties and civil liberties groups, local authority enforcement officers will also be given powers to dismantle what Mr Brown called "the evil" of over-the-top Christmas light displays outside council houses and arrest those responsible for "this affront to human dignity, Christian values, common sense and decency."
"These displays represent Lucifer in all his frivolous tackiness and enticing devilry. A waste of hard-earned money that would otherwise be spent on food and good causes, spiralling utility bills and council tax, petrol and VAT hikes. They are also a magnet for crime - gangs of youths are attracted like moths to a flame, drinking and swearing while throwing stones at bulbs, then making off with plastic snowmen which they sell on to the next tackily illuminated house around the corner. And so on, and so on. And some of these householders also collect money from sight seers, which is clearly defrauding the Treasury, which is a criminal act."
Disgusting
Stunned families said children were distraught. A mother from Harrow claimed her kids had barricaded themselves in the chimney in protest, refusing to come out until the bad man Brown would let Santa out of Guantanamo. Some warned of mass public disorder as militant kids mobilised. "I think it's disgusting," said Ann, a grandmother from Birmingham, while Jean from Manchester also branded the whole sorry affair 'disgusting'.
Parents Mary and Joseph, who were to star in a Christmas street pageant by homeless people and some other tramps and winos, protested that it was against the spirit of good will and charity. Joseph added, "People have worked really hard to prepare this show, we've even made angel wings out of recycled turkey foil from last Christmas. We think it's disgusting, really."
Many mothers sought re-assurance their Christmas hamper savings would be refunded, adding, "It's bloody disgusting."
Santa
Outraged Santas also responded with fury, many instisting on defying the ban and plying their trade on street corners. One Santa, who didn't wish to be named, claimed Santas would be driven underground and forced to work the black market at enormous personal risk while at the mercy of gangsters and packs of violent chavs. "It's a matter of personal dignity," he said as he showed off his newly ironed white beard.
Another Santa, from Milton Keynes, warned the Prime Minister that the loss of Christmas earnings meant he'd have to sell the family home and live in his mobile grotto with a wife and twenty eight children. "Santas provide a valuable service," he insisted, "and this is how we're repaid. It's worse than the spoilt brats who give us a sly kick or pinch when they're not happy with the reclaimed McDonalds freebies we spmetimes give them."
Many Santas warned of direct action, including a mass march on Whitehall on Christmas Eve. Erroll, a normally calm rastafarian Santa from Brixton screamed, "I'll give him fucking ho-ho-ho!"
The real and original Father Christmas, Jimmy Saville, was unavailable for comment. A spokesdwarf said he was "out of the country in a secret location nowhere near Thailand at all".
Scrooge
Opposition parties rounded on the Prime Minister, the Liberal Democrats branding him a "vampire" and "closet skinflint", while Conservative Leader David Cameron accused Brown of "writing the manual for Ebenezer Scrooge." Mr Brown responded by reminding Mr Cameron that the said manual was written by Charles Dickens, a man of prudence and social conscience, and dismissed Lib-Dems economics guru Vince Cable as "that ponce off The Mighty Boosh."
Lovely
The Prime Minister wasn't all doom and gloom however. Speaking on Too Fucking Early For Viewers this morning, Mr Brown did say he was considering a vow of loveliness in return for public understanding of the whole fucking mess the country is in. Turning to the camera, mouth convulsing like a fish doing press-ups, and smiling, he stated "I myself will go without crackers and paper hats this December 25th. I will not recieve gifts, nor will I give any other than this promise to you: I will be humble, I will be meek. I will be nice to colleagues and absolutely lovely to each and every one of this great and wonderful nation. Apart from the Scots. You know I hate them really, I only speak like this because of Taggart."
Whether or not the public will believe Mr Brown's promises remains to be seen - as is the actual programme, which was watched by a viewing figure of fuck all.
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