We'll Replace Trident with Millwall Fans, Says Brown

There were rowdy exchanges in the Commons yesterday as Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced plans to scrap Trident and replace it with a new, deadlier and more cost effective deterrent.

To a shocked gallery of MPs Mr Brown outlined radical plans to utilise the Millwall Football Club hooligan element as replacement for the iconic British Trident nuclear fleet. "Due to the need for drastic cuts in Government spending we have identified new areas where savings can be made. Trident has been a cornerstone of the UK nuclear deterrent for generations and its proposed upgrade, at a cost of billions of pounds, has been a flagship policy of this government. But a recent resurgence in Millwall hooligan activity gives us another, more cost effective option."

"Millwall's hooligan element are highly efficient marauding machines. They have a ferocious reputation as violent thugs. Their small brains and simple outlook on life means they will stop at nothing to get at targets that, given a little cunning, could be conveyed to them as being of strategic value to their territorial pride. They are susceptible to any kind of bullshit. Tell them President Ahmadinejad is a fervent West Ham supporter who regularly holds Millwall shirt burning sessions on Tehran streets, or that Colonel Gadaffi funds West Ham United's Inter City Firm hooligan gang, and they'll be over there faster than a Craig Bellamy rush of blood."

As MPs on both sides rounded on the Prime Minister, a startled looking Bob Ainsworth, Secretary of State for Defence, leapt to Mr Brown's defence, but promptly sat down again as he realised he knew nothing of the plans beforehand.

After several minutes of jeering the Speaker managed to regain order and, in answer to doubts raised by Conservative MP Tarquin Letts-Tangle about the proposed costs of the plan, particularly those of training and deployment, Home Secretary David Milliband explained that these would be minimal.

"As the Prime Minister has demonstrated, these creatures are quite primitive and very open to suggestion. We don't even need a dodgy dossier. We just give them a target and they will do the rest. We tell them that kebabs are two for one in Istanbul, that North Korea is a bastion of greyhound racing, or, indeed, that Paris is the new capital of cheap, strong lager, and they will be there, pumped up on amphetamine and steroids and armed to the teeth with beer bottles. In fact, we don't even need to give them any equipment, for they are experienced in turning ordinary everyday objects into lethal weapons of mass destruction."

To a barrage of boos Mr Milliband continued. "Their deadly accuracy at coin and bottle throwing make them an excellent medium range option. They are also highly accomplished street guerillas and their hand to hand combat skills, both with sharp objects such as knives and car keys and with improvised weapons such as fence posts, concrete slabs and ripped up stadium seating, have lent them well to close quarter savagery and wanton destruction. Stick the fuckers on a plane and Moscow would be mashed-up in five hours."

Opposition parties were appalled at Mr Milliband's apparent condoning of thuggery, and a barrage of paper airplanes and rolled up spreadsheets rained down from Oppostion backbenches. After a hurried substitution from the Government Front Bench, Secretary of State for Defence Bob Ainsworth went on the attack. Full of adrenalin due to the increasing pack mentality of the Chamber, Mr Ainsworth raised the game, "Millwall's chilling chants of 'Harry Roberts is our friend, he kills coppers' have struck fear into the hearts of thousands of opposing fans at football grounds, pubs and chippies all over Britain. We must also remember that their hate-filled bigotry and inherent racism gives them the psychotic edge needed when fighting frightfully funny-looking foreign types - especially French and fucking Germans. Paris would be pulverised, Frankfurt flattened and Dresden re-destroyed - all within twenty minutes of deployment."

Though Mr Ainsworth's last comments raised the biggest cheer of the day, Lib-Dem Leader-of-sorts, Nick Clegg, accused the Minister of outright and odious racism of the most horrid kind and of the opportunistic normalization of hooliganism by incorporating such thuggish overtones into the debate. But Mr Ainsworth simply pointed at Mr Clegg and, adopting a booming baritone voice and mock Cockney accent, chanted "Who the fucking hell are you?"

Conservative Leader David Cameron, seemingly outraged at such loutish behaviour despite his Private Education background, sprang from his seat in cavalier fashion - only to lead his Front Bench in a chant of "One's going home in a ghastly ambulance!"

The House promptly descended into excactly two minutes and twenty three seconds of anarchy as Labour backbenchers threw missiles and chanted "Let's go fucking mental!" - before the Speaker lit a cigar and the sprinkler system doused the whole lot in mineral water.

A period of calm followed as Aled Jones' 'Walking on the Air' was piped through the Commons PA system, giving Gordon Brown a window of opportunity to bring the debate to a close. Preaching his oft-repeated sermon, he mustered "We shall not shirk from making difficult decisions that will enable us to get through the next thousand years of untold plague, pestilence, flatulence and misery. Tough choices have to be made, money must be saved, and hands need to get dirty if we are to get the British toilet bowl clean."

Critics of the plan later vented their anger on the streets. West Ham fans expressed deep concern they had once again been left out of the action, claiming their thugs were much better able to take on the world. Riots broke out at betting shops and off-licences all over the East End and four newspaper sellers were murdered by Metropolitan Police Officers outraged at what they had read on the front page of the Evening Handbag - while also seemingly demonstrating their credentials as leading contenders for the job of national defence and international barbarism.

In a Press Conference held in Whitehall later, Home Secretary David Milliband responded to complainants and critics alike by reassuring West Ham supporters that they would get their chance - hinting at next week's announcement regarding the deployment of more forces in Afghanistan - and stating, "Anyone who doubts the ability of Millwall fans to provide an effective deterrent to nuclear aggression should ask the families of the victims of the Kenilworth Road massacre of 1985, when hundreds were murdered by rampaging, seat throwing Millwall hooligans at the Luton Town ground. Any deterrent capable of firing off hundreds of missiles in less than a minute would make any superpower think twice about invading this shitty little island."