State of the Art Occult Sensor Catches Mandelson Entering Conference

A major security alert was sparked by Lord Mandelson at the Labour Party Conference in Brighton today, fuelling further speculation of alleged links to the Forces of Evil.

The Business Secretary was refused entry to the conference hall as the new £50M state-of-the-art Silver Bullet occult sensor, dubbed the Bogeybuster, went off as he entered the building, sending screaming delegates running for the exits as security staff armed with crosses and garlic grenades surrounded the Lord, screaming "Get thee down, vile beast, hands behind thy horns, in the name of the Lord..."

According to witnesses, Mandelson "just stood there" with a "spooky smile on his mush" and calmly yet menacingly replied, "But I AM the Lord."

"I was shitting myself," said Deborah Grey-Tomkinson, Chairperson of Tower Hamlets Council. "At first I thought it was a suicide bomber, but then I realised it was him - the Dark One - been caught by the new ghostie thingee."

Another witness, Bob Crowe, tough-talking Bolshie General Secretary of the RMT, said he was relieved the system had worked. "I had my doubts at first - it seems a lot of money to spend on a metal detector with a hoover attached. But it's reassuring to see it can indeed be of benefit to my comrades by blocking evil capitalist monsters from influencing the democratic decisions of conference. Mandelson should be kept at bay at all costs. He's a complete cunt."

Fears were raised about the effectiveness of the new system however, as it emerged that it had failed to detect Lord Mandelson's presence on two previous occasions. In the first instance he was spotted in the gents toilet after an eagle-eyed party worker spotted he had no reflection in the mirror. He was ejected, but not until he had almost choked his spotter to death with a remote death grip - a claim Mr Mandelson denies.

"He had me," said the terrified party worker, who didn't wish to be named for fear of a horrible, supernatural death. "He was standing there, but he wasn't in the mirror. I thought 'that's a bit weird'. The next thing his eyes were all red and evil-looking. He squeezed my throat with an invisible grip. I was fading away, my life flashed before my eyes, I saw a tunnel, a light, and Johnny Cash in a cagoule..."

In the other incident, Lord Mandelson was spotted only as he was about to take his seat on the stage after he had floated in as a cloud of invisible, odourless vapour that crept under the door of the hallway and past three lines of security checks.

Responding to concerns the Silver Bullet Occult Sensor wasn't impregnable, Moses Hunter of makers Helsing Corp Inc Ltd of Bibleville, Alabama said, "Of course it isn't fool-proof. That's the thing with these beings - you never know when or how, or indeed, in what guise or form they will strike. Lord Mandelson could easily have arrived as a bird or a bat or a piece of pizza - you just don't know what to expect. But we are adapting to new threats as soon as they emerge, while monitoring any turbulence in the sub-strata matrix and adjusting the alert levels accordingly. The public needn't worry about the Dark Lord. Mandula is our bitch."

When asked to comment, a Labour Party representative said investigations were under way, but dismissed claims Lord Mandelson is the Prince of Darkness as ludicrous nonsense, adding that he couldn't possibly comment further "because Lord Mandelson has eyes and ears everywhere."